I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
