Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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