i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
You took a bar mat shot.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
