Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
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