I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
