Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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