I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
