today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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