I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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