I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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