Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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