FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
