So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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