Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
