We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
