Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
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But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
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