the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
