i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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