Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold