very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
