but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
home. puking in laundry basket.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
