the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
