6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
