Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
