cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
