I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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