oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
