if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
