You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
