why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
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He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
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We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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