So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
