if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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