You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
