im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
