he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
