I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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