Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
