In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
