can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
