I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
