there's paper in my vomit.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
