2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
