you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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