I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
