I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Found your dick twin last night
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
He has the fingertips of a God
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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