Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Dicks are not precious.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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