anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
