You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
