nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
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this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
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He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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