508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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