so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
