Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Holy sore nipples Batman
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
