fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
