That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
